Have you ever been trapped?
I am not talking about your every day run-of-the-mill subway congestion or an elevator that is filled beyond capacity.
No way out.
Frightened, frustrated, angry and desperate.
Like any ordinary "normal" person, you are going about your daily activities and the next moment you are drowning in unfamiliarity. In reality, little has changed. Sadly, nothing has changed. Minutes, hours, years have passed... but nothing has changed.
Despite evidence to the contrary, your actions seem to have no consequence.
This is how I feel. Not as often as I used to, but more often than I care to admit and more often then I would like. It leaves me paralyzed-- much like a deer frozen by the illuminating light of oncoming traffic.
It is a short journey from the trigger back to the beginning.
I wonder what I may do if my task was completed. It is my greatest hope to find a place where I can end this debilitating madness. Just break the cycle. Free. Free from the need to provide objective verification of my physical existence and a rational basis for a seemingly bizarre obsession.
I know these things. I organize my life in a sequential, numerical, historical, logical order where everything has a designated beginning, middle and end.
There must be a place where reason and purpose replace obsessions and insanity.
Can anyone understand this madness? Why can't you see how simple everything is for me?
I need things to be simple.
My patterns seem so obvious. Pay attention! What seems like chaos to you serves as my salvation. Don't you see how resourceful I am? I know my methods are rigid but they are clearly consistent with my "mission" in life.
Few can be bothered with the elegant simplicity of my rituals. My behaviors are rational! They protect my delicate foundation. I do not have far to fall.
I need an out!
Why question my methods?
By collecting physical evidence of my experiences and transient existence, I can be someone. Someone with a past, a present, maybe even a future.
I collect, therefore I am.
Look! I have proof! History. References.
I want to be part of your world. Really I do.
I want roots, consistency and foundations. I want high school reunions and a hometown.
My task must be finished! It is destroying my relationship with my future self. My soul is withering away beneath this desperate facade.
Please give me a moments consideration and see me.
I am not cruel. I am not evil. Nevertheless, I am so alone and isolated. I am here and I am ready. I am ready to end this endless search for home. But how?
I need you. I need you to help me find a place where I can feel comfortable ending this vicious cycle.
I am looking to you... the collective you of humanity to help me through this time of need and uncertainty.
All I seek is compassion, empathy, and understanding. I continue my search hoping I am not completely alone in my quest.
Restoring order dominates my very existence. Keeping me trapped in the past; invading the present; dictating my actions through repetition, ruminations, anxiety and fear inhibiting my growth and progress. I do not have it in me to climb out of another depression.
Don't you see how this life is breaking me?
If only I had the same resignation and grace of that lone Buck crossing a quiet country road, I would cherish the instant where I am faced with certain death or total salvation. I would search for a sanctuary where forgiveness replaces damnation.
For one instant, I would welcome the challenge to live freely in this brave new world... to explore and run free on a distant, winding path.
I would stand proud, defiant, and free.
Really, truly, trapped.
Elyssa Durant, Ed.M. © 2002