Jewish tradition exhorts us to properly mourn the passing of a loved one, and sets the practices and rituals that facilitate and give expression to our feelings of loss and grief. At the same time, however, it establishes a sequence of time frames through which the intensity of our mourning is progressively mitigated, from the most intense mourning that is observed in the hours after a death, to the seven-day "shivah" observed following the burial, to the 30-day shloshim period, and so on.
Mourning is a show of respect to the departed and to his or her place in our lives... In other words, we must mourn, but we must also set boundaries to our mourning. To not mourn at all, or to plunge into an abyss of grief and remain trapped on its bottom--both these extremes are detrimental, both to the living and to the soul of the departed. Mourning is a show of respect to the departed and to his or her place in our lives, as well as a crucial stage in the healing of those who experienced the loss. But the soul of the departed does not desire that those remaining in this world remain paralyzed by grief. On the contrary, the soul's greatest benefit comes from its loved ones' return to active, even joyous life, in which their feelings of love and veneration translate into deeds that honor the departed soul and attest to its continuing influence in our world.
Five phases of mourning correspond to five stages of the soul's ascentThese (five) phases of mourning also correspond with the stages of the soul's "ascent," as it gradually disengages from the material world and assumes a less palpable--though no less real--presence in our lives.
The world was created with humanity as its focus. This took a full cycle of time: seven days. When creation is reversed and the human soul returns to its source, that, too, is marked with a week's cycle: the Shivah, seven days which the closest relatives devote exclusively to mourning the soul's departure, and the extended family, friends and community comfort them with their presence, their empathy, and their words of consolation.
we must mourn, but we must also set boundaries to our mourning The traditional words spoken to the mourner during Shivah are: "May G‑d console you, together with all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." In a letter to a father who lost his young child, the Lubavitcher Rebbe writes:
"At first glance, the connection between the mourner to whom these words are directed and the mourners of Jerusalem's destruction appears to be quite puzzling. In truth, however, they are connected. For the main consolation embodied by this phrase is in its inner content. Namely, that just as the grief over Zion and Jerusalem is common to all the sons and daughters of our people, Israel, wherever they may be... so is the grief of a single individual Jew or Jewish family shared by the entire nation. For, as the Sages have taught, all of the Jewish people comprise one integral organism...
"A second point: ...just as G-d will most certainly rebuild the ruins of Zion and Jerusalem and gather the dispersed of Israel from the ends of the earth through our righteous Moshiach, so will He, without a doubt, remove the grief of the individual, fulfilling the promise embodied by the verse, 'Awaken and sing, you who repose in the dust.' Great will be the joy, the true joy, when all will be rejoined at the time of the Resurrection of the Dead...."
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Soul Talk - The shivah and other mourning observances - Death & Mourning
15 Lessons from Shiva
It was 4 a.m. when the call came, but we slept through it. Then it came again at 5:45 a.m. and I let it go to voice mail. The third time the phone rang I ran for it. It was New York calling. My wife's family was on the line. I knew the words before they spoke them. My mother-in-law had passed away a few hours ago.
Shock, disillusionment, disorientation, regret, frustration. These emotions and more flowed through us as we scrambled to arrange the funeral and flights, and assemble a small army to tend to our children while my wife and I would be away.
Throughout the flight I felt terrible pangs of regret. Had I been too selfish by not championing my wife to visit her mother more often? Should she have red-eyed it more to New York to see her ailing mother, who was a widow and alone in a beautiful assisted living facility? I pondered these thoughts in the dark plane cabin, enveloped within my gnawing guilt. My poor wife, had I added to her mournful state?
I decided that I would do whatever necessary to ease my wife through the mourning process.
Shiva is the seven-day mourning period that follows burial. The purpose is to grieve intensely, and prepare to move on. During that week, friends, neighbors and colleagues come for a short visit to comfort the mourner. Here are my lessons learned from my wife's week of sitting shiva:
Lesson 1: Shiva is not for anything but mourning. Yes, if you are a mom you must do things no one else can, like give emotional deposits, guidance, and lunch instructions to your kids. Otherwise defer, postpone, and reschedule. Change your voicemail, have an auto-responder on your email, and post a sign on your office door.
Lesson 2: We posted visiting hours on our front door and made sure people understood they could not come after 9:30 p.m. Otherwise people will come in, whenever, for however long. In any event, leave a pad on the front door so people can leave notes. Some people traveled a long distance, only to find out they missed out on the hours and wanted to give their condolences.
Lesson 3: Contact everyone and let them know what happened. You have circles of friends and acquaintances that are bigger than you think. There are work circles, family circles, school circles, community circles, distant relative circles, etc. Think them through and have others help get the word out. I sent out notices on three different email lists and still missed a swath of people. If there ever was a week that things fall through the cracks, this is it. Worse than not coming to visit shiva, is forgetting to inform someone that would have come to visit. On the flip side, everyone forgives you for everything.
Lesson 4: Give your spouse everything you can. She has only one mother. The best advice a colleague gave me was to take the week off from work. I did. I ran errands and tried to make life pleasant with lunches and coffee drink surprises. It definitely brought us closer together. Normally I work long hours, so to take off work meant a lot to my wife. She knew I was giving her my all. And our neighbors knew something was amiss when, the first day back from the New York burial, I was spotted at 10 a.m. wheeling a baby stroller.
Lesson 5: Write down the names of everyone who delivers a meal, does you a favor, watches the kids for an hour, anything. It means a lot to people to be thanked, and my wife wanted to express her gratitude to all those who eased her loss. At first you think you will remember everyone, but then it becomes too overwhelming. Also, compile all letters and notes received. It makes for a comforting read months down the line.
Lesson 6: When you come to visit, remember that it is for the benefit of the mourner. This is the last place on earth you want to talk about yourself as interesting as you may be. It takes tremendous psychic energy for the mourner to entertain your ego. Also, never argue about anything with the mourner. Never. Leave it at the door. At least wait till the shiva week is over.
Lesson 7: When making a shiva call, don't expect food and entertainment. The "deli platter concept" every evening is really not conducive to the shiva process. Just focus on the mourner, not your appetite. The coffee clutch that sometimes develops in the kitchen is just out of place with the mourner holding court in the living room. There should be only one conversation going on. That is giving real honor to the deceased and the mourner. Obviously in other quarters of the house homework and other matters can be discussed as long as they are not heard. But it's not party time. [If there is a morning minyan in the house, you can put out coffee, juice, fruit, danish, etc., for those who need to go straight to work.]
Lesson 8: It seems to me that anything less than a 10-minute visit, unless you're the President of the United States or something like that, is too quick. God will forgive your time management goals this day, unless of course you left a child in the bath tub. And please, make sure to turn off your cell phone.
Lesson 9: So what should you talk about? Ask to see pictures of the deceased's life. Ask the mourner to describe the decease's finest hour. What will they want to have been remembered for? How will you remember them?
Lesson 10: Never assume the mourner has taken care of anything. They are spaced out and disoriented. I have literally seen mourners go without lunch because everyone thinks they are taken care of. Don't assume that at all. Mourners are preoccupied. They may need shopping, errands, car pools, letters mailed, a phone call or three made, the dog walked, the baby diapered, etc. Who is doing the laundry and cleaning the floors and bathrooms? These are big jobs. Mourning is physically taxing and they are locked down with visitors. Assume nothing was done. Don't ask "Do you need something?" Instead, just do something. Better yet, do something and then ask, "Can I do anything else?"
Lesson 11: Make sure someone is on hand to rearrange chairs, clean up, direct traffic, take deliveries, etc. Someone has to be the head referee and crowd controller. I walked everyone out and welcomed everyone in. It helped create movement to keep the rotation flowing. It also helped those who felt self-conscious about entering and exiting.
Lesson 12: When the shiva period has ended, don't expect the mourner's relief to suddenly break forth or sadness to evaporate. That takes time. So when you see the mourner participating in the world again, treat them with care. Constantly be checking in with the mourner. They will still like to talk about their loss. It is an awful feeling to be abandoned after the shiva, even for introverts. Spend some private time later on with the mourner, "just because." Getting back to normal could take a year or more.
Lesson 13: Make sure Kaddish is said every day. Kaddish fills the spiritual void that is now missing from the world and is an enormous merit for the deceased. We arranged on Aish.com for someone to say Kaddish by the Western Wall. We also arranged for the entire Oral Law to be learned in my mother-in-law's memory and merit. That is a big mitzvah and a big comfort to the soul of the deceased.
Lesson 14: Take on one good deed in the deceased's memory. My son and I learn small, concise pieces of Torah each day. We recite his grandmother's name before we start. It also has bonded us like glue.
Lesson 15: Write out an ethical will that the deceased would have left behind for their children, grandchildren, spouse, and friends. I asked my wife to write out what her mother would have told the children if she knew she would never see them again. It can be a very powerful and cathartic experience.
If you have additional advice, please post it in the comments box below, to help others deal with this difficult time of life.
Written for the elevation of the soul of Sheina Rishah bas Noach Leib
Shiva & Mourning
Judaism, with its long history of dealing with the soul of man, its intimate knowledge of man's achievements and foibles, his grandeur and his weakness, has wisely devised a system of graduated mourning periods. During this time, the mourner may express his or her grief and release, with calculated regularity, the built-up tensions caused by bereavement.
The Jewish religion provides a beautifully structured approach to mourning which is divided into five stages.
1. First Stage – Aninut
This is the period between death and burial when despair is most intense. At this time, not only the social amenities, but even major positive religious requirements are canceled in recognition of the mourner's troubled mind.
2. Second Stage – Lamentation
This period consists of the first three days following burial, days devoted to weeping and lamentation. During this time, the mourner does not even respond to greetings, and remains in his home (except under certain special circumstances). It is a time when even visiting the mourner is usually somewhat discouraged, for it is too early to comfort the mourners when the wound is so fresh. During this time, the mourner remains within the house, expressing his grief through the observances of wearing of a torn garment, sitting on the low stool, wearing of slippers, refraining from shaving and grooming, and recital of the Kaddish (see below).
3. Third Stage – Shivah
This stage covers the seven days following burial and includes the three-day period of lamentation. During this time, the mourner emerges from the stage of intense grief to a new state of mind in which he is prepared to talk about his loss and to accept comfort from friends and neighbors.
The world now enlarges for the mourner. He continues the observances outlined in the second stage above, but he is able to interact with acquaintances who come to his home to express sympathy in his distress.
A sacred obligation devolves upon every Jew to comfort the mourners.A sacred obligation devolves upon every Jew – no matter his relationship to the deceased or to those mourning – to comfort the survivors – these being father, mother, wife (or husband), son, daughter, (married or unmarried), brother, and sister (or half-brother and half-sister) of the deceased.
In Judaism, exercising compassion by paying a condolence call is a mitzvah, considered by some of our greatest scholars to be biblically ordained. It is a person's duty to imitate God: as God comforts the bereaved, so man must do likewise.
The fundamental purpose of the condolence call during shivah is to relieve the mourner of the intolerable burden of intense loneliness. At no other time is a human being more in need of such comradeship.
The inner freezing that came with the death of his relative now begins to thaw. The isolation from the world of people and the retreat inward now relaxes somewhat, and normalcy begins to return.
4. Fourth Stage – Shloshim
This period consists of the 30 days (counting the seven days of shivah) following burial. The mourner is encouraged to leave the house after shivah and to slowly rejoin society, always recognizing that enough time has not yet elapsed to assume full, normal social relations.
Shaving and haircutting for mourners is still generally prohibited, as is cutting the nails, and washing the body all at once for delight (as opposed to washing for cleanliness which is required).
5. Fifth Stage – Year of Mourning
The fifth stage is the twelve-month period (counted from the day of burial) during which things return to normal, and business once again becomes routine, but the inner feelings of the mourner are still wounded by the rupture of relationship with the loved one.
The observance that most affects the daily life of the mourner during the twelve-month period is the complete abstention from parties and festivities, both public and private. Participation in these gatherings is simply not consonant with the depression and contrition that the mourner experiences.
It is absurd for the mourner to dance gleefully while his parent lies in a fresh grave.It borders on the absurd for the mourner to dance gleefully while his parent lies dead in a fresh grave.
Thus, the Sages decreed that, while complete physical withdrawal from normal activities of society lasts only one week, withdrawal from joyous, social occasions lasts thirty days in mourning for other relatives, and one year in mourning for one's parents. Joy, in terms of the mourning tradition, is associated largely with public, social events rather than with personal satisfactions.
At the close of this last stage, the bereaved is not expected to continue his mourning, except for brief moments when yizkor or yahrzeit (see below) is observed. In fact, Jewish tradition rebukes a man for mourning more than this prescribed period.
Saying Kaddish
The Kaddish is recited at every prayer service, morning and evening, Shabbat and holiday, on days of fasting and rejoicing.
The period that the mourner recites the Kaddish for parents is, theoretically, a full calendar year. The deceased is considered to be under Divine judgment for that period. Some communities, therefore, adhere to the custom that Kaddish be recited for 12 months in all cases.
However, because the full year is considered to be the duration of judgment for the wicked, and we presume that our parents do not fall into that category, the practice in most communities is to recite the Kaddish for only 11 months.
The Kaddish is to be recited only in the presence of a duly constituted quorum, a minyan, which consists of ten males above the age of Bar Mitzvah. If there are only nine adults and one minor present, it is still not considered a quorum for a minyan.
Yizkor and Yahrzeit
Yizkor is a ceremony recalling all the deceased during a communal synagogue service. Yahrzeit is a personal memorial anniversary; it may be observed for any relative or friend, but it is meant primarily for parents.
The Yizkor service was instituted so that the Jew may pay homage to his forebears and recall the good life and traditional goals. This service is founded on a vital principle of Jewish life, one that motivates and animates the Kaddish recitation.
It is based on the firm belief that the living, by acts of piety and goodness, can redeem the dead. The son can bring honor to the father. The "merit of the children" can reflect the value of the parents.
This merit is achieved, primarily, by living on a high ethical and moral plane, by being responsive to the demands of God and sensitive to the needs of one's fellow man. The formal expression of this merit is accomplished by prayer to God and by contributions to charity.
Yahrzeit is a special day of observances to commemorate the anniversary of the death of parents. Though the word is of German origin, the custom is outlined in the Talmud.
This religious commemoration is recorded not as a fiat, but as a description of an instinctive sentiment of sadness, an annual rehearsing of tragedy, which impels one to avoid eating meat and drinking wine – symbols of festivity and joy, the very stuff of life.
Soul Talk - Kaddish and memorial: aiding the soul's ascent - Death & Mourning
What is it that we can give to a loved one who is no longer physically amongst us? With our limited, filtered, compromised, spiritually blind existence in this world, what can we give to the souls who inhabit the transcendent places of the next world?
The answer is, a great deal. We can give them life.
For what is life in its most essential form, life fulfilling the purpose which G-d created it to fulfill? Life, in the ultimate sense, is a soul in a physical body causing the stuff of this world to be revealed as G-dly. This is what we achieve every time we do a mitzvah, a good and G-dly deed. And when our positive actions are inspired by the life of one who has passed on to a more spiritual state of life, and are motivated by the desire and goal that they be in his or her merit--we give life and growth to a soul of the next world. Through our actions, the souls of those who passed on can attain something they could not achieve on their own. They can "live," in the ultimate sense of what life is about--affecting this world, making G-dliness felt in this world.
This is the main idea behind the recital of the Kaddish in merit of a departed soul. While Kaddish is commonly known as the "mourners prayer," a reading of the text reveals that it is not about death or mourning, but the public proclamation of G-d's greatness. By rising from the depths of anguish and loss to offer praise to G-d, we transform the event of death into an act of life.
Even more important than the recitation of Kaddish is the Torah we study, the mitzvot that we accept upon ourselves, the charity that we give, the good that we do, with the intention that it be l'iluiy nishmat, for the sake of the "elevation of the soul." If the desire to give to the one who has passed on is what impels us to learn something we would not have otherwise learned, to do a mitzvah we otherwise would not have done, to go higher and further than we would have otherwise gone, then this soul lives in us. Our hands and feet, mind and heart and mouth become the hands, feet, mind, heart and mouth of the departed soul.
For more about Kaddish -- including a practical guide to the Kaddish, and the "Kaddish Pro," an interactive trainer -- visit our comprehensive Kaddish Site.
What You Need to Know About Mobile Security | Mobile Device Management | Sophos
Mobile Security 101
What you need to know about mobile security
Mobile Device Security: What Senior Managers Should Know
Next-generation mobile devices like iPads and Android phones can do wonders for mobile workers and drive productivity and innovation in business. However, new devices bring increased cost of administration, risk of data loss and reputation damage if they aren’t managed correctly. This article provides clear, practical guidance on how you can make sure mobile devices are a benefit rather than a risk for your organization.
The regulatory environment
Compliance standards have mainly focused on the traditional PC, but regulators are paying more attention to mobile devices. All kinds of devices which hold sensitive data are now in the spotlight. It’s therefore essential to address the security and operational issues relating to mobile devices now, rather than risk fines and sanctions due to data loss.
Remember, regulators won’t care whether you’ve lost sensitive data on a laptop or a mobile device. There may be no difference in the eyes of the law, but security controls for laptops are quite different from those applied to other mobile devices.
The security risks
There is a perception that malware and highly-complex cyber attacks are the biggest problems on these platforms. Although threats like malware will undoubtedly increase (after all, many of us are using our mobiles as a replacement for our laptops for much of the day), right now the biggest threat is data loss.
Most data breaches on mobile devices are typically due to basic security failure—weak (or no) passwords, failure to encrypt data, falling victim to phishing or other social engineering, and failure to update the device (making it vulnerable to simple attacks). Getting the basics under control and making sure you can purge devices when they go missing should be the highest priority, both to minimize actual risk of data loss and to satisfy regulators.
The impact of consumerization
There is a risk as consumerization (the use of personal devices for work purposes) kicks in that IT teams will end up having to manage five times the number of platforms at five times the cost. Most IT budgets can’t tolerate this. But for most organizations, blocking new and trendy mobile devices is not an option either. Make sure any security controls or processes you adopt provide wide platform support to avoid an explosion in IT costs and to future-proof your investment as devices are updated.
Think short term
In IT we are used to thinking on a three-year landscape to maximize return and minimize cost. Unfortunately, in this case a three-year strategy could be a really bad idea.
The mobile security market is moving very quickly. Mobile devices are being updated on practically a quarter-to-quarter basis versus the conventional slow-moving PC. IT teams should implement a shorter term strategy for mobile devices and then iterate it, rather than attempting to plan for three years in one go.
Three mobile security priorities
Mobile devices are here to stay. So make sure your data, your systems and your users stay safe. Here are three top priorities for every organization.
1. Enforce an acceptable use policy
Make sure your organization has clear guidance in your acceptable use policy on what devices you allow and what users are required to do to use them for work. The user can be the ultimate weak link with a consumer device. To protect your data and theirs, make sure they think before they click.
2. Implement strong device security
Make sure you have technology in place that enforces your policies on password complexity, encryption, and patch status. And be sure it can locate or erase devices if they’re lost or stolen. There are more tools available than people realize. Consider management tools offered by security vendors. And follow configuration guides offered by device vendors to enforce best practices. Many of these devices have more security features than you might think.
3. Demonstrate regulatory compliance
Be sure that your management tool produces compliance reports you can show regulators in the event of a lost device. Your security policy framework and associated processes should include mobile devices, so you can demonstrate basic control.
Most importantly, keep your eye on the mobile marketplace and emerging technology. Things are moving fast. Don’t get caught napping.
You can embrace these devices rather than block them if you have the right structures in place.
Security Notice: Service-wide Password Reset | Evernote
Security Notice: Service-wide Password Reset
Evernote's Operations & Security team has discovered and blocked suspicious activity on the Evernote network that appears to have been a coordinated attempt to access secure areas of the Evernote Service.
As a precaution to protect your data, we have decided to implement a password reset. Please read below for details and instructions.
In our security investigation, we have found no evidence that any of the content you store in Evernote was accessed, changed or lost. We also have no evidence that any payment information for Evernote Premium or Evernote Business customers was accessed.
The investigation has shown, however, that the individual(s) responsible were able to gain access to Evernote user information, which includes usernames, email addresses associated with Evernote accounts and encrypted passwords. Even though this information was accessed, the passwords stored by Evernote are protected by one-way encryption. (In technical terms, they are hashed and salted.)
While our password encryption measures are robust, we are taking additional steps to ensure that your personal data remains secure. This means that, in an abundance of caution, we are requiring all users to reset their Evernote account passwords. Please create a new password by signing into your account on evernote.com.
After signing in, you will be prompted to enter your new password. Once you have reset your password on evernote.com, you will need to enter this new password in other Evernote apps that you use. We are also releasing updates to several of our apps to make the password change process easier, so please check for updates over the next several hours.
As recent events with other large services have demonstrated, this type of activity is becoming more common. We take our responsibility to keep your data safe very seriously, and we're constantly enhancing the security of our service infrastructure to protect Evernote and your content.
There are also several important steps that you can take to ensure that your data on any site, including Evernote, is secure:
- Avoid using simple passwords based on dictionary words
- Never use the same password on multiple sites or services
- Never click on 'reset password' requests in emails — instead go directly to the service
Thank you for taking the time to read this. We apologize for the annoyance of having to change your password, but, ultimately, we believe this simple step will result in a more secure Evernote experience. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact Evernote Support.
The Evernote team
Evernote hacked, forces password reset | ZDNet
Evernote hacked, forces password reset
Summary: The popular multi-platform, note-taking Web application Evernote has had its master Web site hacked - and you must change your password before you can use it.
2013 may become known as the year of hacker. Following sucessful hacks of Apple, Facebook, Microsoft, and NBC's Web sites and servers, the popular multi-platform, note-taking Web application Evernote servers have been hacked.
Evernote has been cracked and is requiring all its users to reset their passwords.
Evernote reports that while they caught the attack early on, their "investigation has shown, however, that the individual(s) responsible were able to gain access to Evernote user information, which includes usernames, email addresses associated with Evernote accounts and encrypted passwords. Even though this information was accessed, the passwords stored by Evernote are protected by one-way encryption. (In technical terms, they are hashed and salted.)"
Despite this encryption, Evernote is requiring all of its users to change their Evernote account passwords. You can do this either the next time you try to use Evernote via the Web site or by going to the main site now and creating a new password. If you need help with this, Evernote asks that you contact them via their online support Webpage.
After signing in to the Web site, you will be required to enter a new password. Once you have reset your password, you will need to enter this new password on all of your Evernote apps. The company also states that, "We are also releasing updates to several of our apps to make the password change process easier, so please check for updates over the next several hours."
In addition, the company reminds all Evernote users of the usual precautions you should take with your security on any online account:
- Avoid using simple passwords based on dictionary words.
- Never use the same password on multiple sites or services.
- Never click on 'reset password' requests in emails — instead go directly to the service.
To this list, I might add that choosing the option to stay logged into Evernote for up to a week at a time is not a safe choice.
This successful hacking into Evernote is unlikely to resulted from hackers simply breaching user accounts. Many successful Web site hacks in recent weeks have been the result of holes in Java Web plug-ins. As a result, security experts have been warning users to disable Java on their PCs.
This theory seems credible since, in a statement made to CNET, an Evernote spokesperson said, "Our operations and security team caught this at what we believe to be the beginning stages of a sophisticated attack. They are continuing to investigate the details. We believe this activity follows a similar pattern of the many high profile attacks on other Internet-based companies that have taken place over the last several weeks."
Nevertheless, he continued, "At this time we believe we have blocked any unauthorized access, however security is Evernote's first priority. This is why, in an abundance of caution, we are requiring all users to reset their Evernote account passwords before their next Evernote account log-in."
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